Back to the Future of Gotham
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: I was inspired to do this one from all the Back to the Future day celebrations on October 21, 2015! XD The Joker and Harley Quinn's twin children, Arleen and J.J., accidentally activate Jervis Tetch's time machine that takes them back to the past on the day their parents first met in Arkham Asylum...
1. Chapter 1

**Back to the Future of Gotham**

"J.J., get off the phone," said Harley Quinn, glaring at her teenage son sitting in the backseat of the car. "Kids today and their technology – you don't want to become addicted, do you?"

"I'm not addicted to my phone, Mom – I just have things to do on it," retorted J.J., not looking up from the screen. "I'm trying to run a business, and a lot of that is done online now. And certainly at the moment, I need almost constant access to the internet, and the phone is very handy for that."

"I just think it's rude to have your eyes glued to the screen like that," said Harley. "As if the people and the places around you aren't interesting enough."

"You've been talking to Dad about getting a new dishwasher, and we're stuck in traffic," retorted J.J., still not looking up.

He was right – the Jokermobile sat in about four lanes of Gotham City traffic, while the Joker, who was driving, got progressively more annoyed at their lack of progress. "Anyway, Leenie's on the phone all the time too, but you never pick on her," continued J.J., nodding at his twin sister Arleen seated next to him, who also stared down at a screen.

"I'm texting Damian," she retorted. "Who's a real person. You're just talking to people you've never met on the internet, who couldn't even be real people for all you know."

"Who's Damian?" asked Joker.

"Nobody," said Arleen, hastily. "Friend from school."

"See, Leenie occasionally goes outside to see real people, J.J.," said Harley. "You rarely do that."

"That's because real people are morons," muttered J.J. "And human contact is overrated."

"You sound a lot like your Aunt Ivy," said Harley, nodding. "Must be her influence from all her recent visits."

"You don't think contact with her is overrated, do you?" muttered Arleen under her breath.

J.J. glared at her. "No, no more than you think contact with Damian is overrated," he retorted, quietly. "Or, in your head, Batman."

Arleen glared back at him – her crush on Batman was a huge secret to be kept from the rest of the family, who she knew would be disappointed if they ever found out about it. Not that she suspected they weren't already disappointed by the way she dressed – Arleen chose to follow the Goth subculture in terms of clothing and attitude toward life, which was the opposite of the rest of her relentlessly optimistic and cheerful family. Although not now, of course, when they were stuck in traffic – that would make the happiest person alive grumpy and miserable.

"But I stand by my statement, with one slight clarification," continued J.J. "In general, human contact is overrated."

"Boy, is it ever," agreed Joker. "Look at all these useless chumps, cluttering up the freeway!" he said, gesturing out at the traffic around them. "This is part of the problem with me going supervillain part-time, Harl – population explosion! It used to be my job to keep the people of Gotham under control by culling the population through regular, wacky, mass murdering gags! Maybe now that the kids are older I'll go back to full-time work. I know Batsy probably misses the regular, nightly action."

"Yeah, he ain't the only one who misses regular, nightly action," muttered Harley.

"God, you are such a greedy brat!" snapped Joker. "I ain't as young as I used to be, y'know, and you can't just expect a fantastic performance every night!"

"You seem to think Bats does," retorted Harley.

"That performance is completely different to the performance you're talking about, and you know it!" snapped Joker. "Unless you're trying to imply something about me and Batsy!"

"Could explain where Leenie gets it," muttered J.J.

"Shut up!" snapped Arleen, elbowing her brother in the ribs. J.J. grabbed ahold of her dark, purple-highlighted hair and tugged hard.

"Hey, kids, don't fight!" shouted Harley, as the violence continued.

"This is what you prefer to them quietly looking at their phone screens, is it, Harl?" demanded Joker. "Mind you, I'm a pro-violence man myself, but it's beyond annoying being stuck in traffic like this unable to do anything about it or join in."

He brightened suddenly. "Unless…" he said, reaching for some buttons where the radio should be.

A series of missiles shot out from the car, colliding with the surrounding traffic and exploding most of the cars in a burst of flame. "Talk about your road rage!" chuckled Joker. "I had completely forgotten I got that button installed! Thanks for doing that, J.J."

"No problem, Dad," replied J.J., smiling. Both he and his sister had been pacified by the mass explosion – like their parents, nothing made them happier than unnecessary violence and destruction.

Joker drove away from the smoking, flaming ruins before the cops could arrive, and a short while later, they parked in the driveway of their destination, the home of Jervis Tetch, previously known as the Mad Hatter, and his adopted daughter, Alice Tetch.

"Did you get the present, puddin'?" asked Harley as they all climbed out of the car.

"No, that was your job!" snapped Joker. "We've discussed this – anything that involves thinking of other people is your job!"

Harley rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll just tell Jervis that we ordered it online and it didn't arrive in time. Not even sure what kinda present you're supposed to get for an occasion like this anyway," she muttered, ringing the bell.

The door was opened by Tetch, who beamed at them. "Ahoy hoy, Jokers!" he exclaimed, gesturing them inside. "Thank you all for coming – Alice will be so very pleased!"

"Aw, we're really happy you invited us, Jervis," said Harley, hugging him. "But we gotta apologize – the present we ordered for Alice hasn't arrived yet."

"Oh, don't worry about that!" said Tetch. "These things aren't organized for gifts, after all. Look, my dear, the Joker family is here!" he said, smiling at the young woman who sat in the dining room at the head of a long table laden with tea things. She was dressed in a blue dress and pinafore, and resembled nothing so much as a Victorian child out of the Alice in Wonderland stories, although she was clearly not a child anymore.

Not that this seemed to bother her or her adopted father – she stood up and made an elegant curtsy to her guests, and then said, "Please do have a seat – it's almost time for tea."

"Congrats, Alice – this is a real special occasion for ya, huh?" asked Harley as they all sat down. "I'm sure your Uncle Jervis is really proud of you."

"Indeed I am," agreed Tetch, kissing his adopted daughter's cheek. "My little Alice is all grown up and ready to go out into society as a proper lady!"

"And she's eager to meet all sorts of other proper ladies, huh?" chuckled Joker.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"I think Mr. J's just saying that it'll be nice for Alice to be able to be open about the kinda people she's interested in romantically," explained Harley.

Tetch looked at her. "I'm sorry, I'm…slightly confused. What are you talking about?"

"Well, c'mon, ain't that the reason we're all here?" demanded Joker. "This is a coming out party, right?"

"Indeed it is," agreed Tetch, nodding. "It's the occasion in which my gorgeous Alice is officially presented to the world as a lady of marriageable age. It's been a tradition in England among the aristocracy at the start of the social season for hundreds of years. Why, does a coming out party mean something different in this country?"

"Oh…no," said Harley, slowly. "Nope, we…knew what you meant, of course. Glad we didn't order the rainbow flag now, puddin'," she whispered to Joker.

"Uncle Jervis, do you have a phone charger somewhere?" asked J.J., looking up from his screen at last. "Sorry, but my battery's dying and I really need to finish this update."

"Oh yes," said Tetch. "I don't allow technology such as that in my house, of course. One can't mix living spaces and working spaces – that would be nonsense. But the garage should have one…"

"Thanks, I'll go find it," said J.J., heading for the back door.

"I'll go with you, J.J. – mine's dying too," said Arleen

"Don't touch anything else in there, please!" called Tetch after them. "There's some highly unstable technology that could send you to Wonderland or goodness knows where else!"

"Well, I'm glad Alice isn't a lesbian anyway," said J.J. as he and his sister headed for the garage. "Just for purely selfish reasons."

"You've still got no chance with her, you know that, right?" asked Arleen.

"I think you underestimate your brother's charm, little sis," retorted J.J. "The old Joker charm he inherited from Dad and which runs in our family. Women are incapable of resisting us."

"Right," agreed Arleen, rolling her eyes. "I'll agree Mom's incapable of resisting Dad, especially after they've had a punch-up, but that hardly means that any woman you meet is gonna go all Mom-nuts over you."

"Raise your hand if you've had a romantic partner," said J.J., shooting his hand up. "And keep your hand down if you've just switched between fantasizing about Batman and Damian."

"I don't fantasize about Batman or Damian," snapped Arleen. "He's just a friend."

"And maybe if you used a bit of that Joker charm, he could be more than that," said J.J., nodding.

"Look, Aunt Ivy doesn't count as having a romantic partner," snapped Arleen. "She's more than twice your age!"

"Of course she counts," retorted J.J. "Age doesn't discount someone from being a romantic partner – look at Mom and Dad! And anyway, she's not the only girlfriend I've had, y'know."

"Who else have you had?" asked Arleen.

J.J. tapped his nose. "Not a man who kisses and tells, sis. But you remember that fire alarm at school last week?"

"Yeah. We all had to evacuate for like an hour while they got the blaze under control," said Arleen.

J.J. grinned. "Let's just say it wasn't the only fire going on in the school at the time. And yours truly might have instigated it to have some uninterrupted time alone in the janitor's closet with a certain female."

"Classy," retorted Arleen.

"Tried and tested," retorted J.J. "Just ask Mom and Dad about their time in Arkham."

"Thanks, I can live without hearing that story again," said Arleen, rolling her eyes. She put on a high-pitched imitation of their mother's voice. "I saw puddin's face behind the glass, our eyes met across a crowded asylum, and I knew right then we were soulmates, destined to be together forever! So what if I was a young, innocent psychiatrist and he was an older, psychotic, mass-murderer? Love is love, kids. And true love conquers all."

"That's a perfect impression," chuckled J.J. as he and Arleen entered the garage.

It was a huge room, full of blinking gadgets and humming machines of all kinds, whirring and buzzing with a life force of their own. "Look at all this stuff," said J.J., whistling. "What do you suppose half of it does?"

"Knowing Uncle Jervis, one presses his cravats while the other polishes his hats," said Arleen, looking around for the phone charger. "I hate to stifle your intellectual curiosity, but Uncle Jervis told us not to touch anything. Just find the charger, J.J."

"Fine," grumbled J.J., scanning the room. "There!" he said, pointing under a table where a wire resembling a phone charger peeked out.

"Me first," said Arleen, rushing over to where he pointed.

"No, me first!" snapped J.J., shoving her out of the way. "Mine's important business stuff – yours is just flirting with your pseudo-boyfriend!"

"Damian's not my boyfriend, pseudo or otherwise!" snapped Arleen, shoving her brother out of the way. The two quickly got into another tussle.

"You're gonna break Uncle Jervis's machines!" snapped J.J. "Just lay off!"

He shoved his sister away and then lunged forward, grabbing the charger and slamming it into his phone. Just at that moment, Arleen leaped onto him, grabbing him around the neck in an attempt to drag him back. And that was when a burst of light shot out from the charger, through the phone, and into both J.J. and Arleen. There was a blinding flash, and then the two teenagers disappeared, phone and all.

Several minutes later, Alice Tetch had come looking for Arleen and J.J. and entered the garage. She looked around at the empty building and the beeping machines, and then noticed the fizzling charger on the ground. She sighed heavily, picking it up and lifting up the tablecloth under which it had been hidden to reveal the wire attached to a beeping, glowing, hat-shaped machine with dates on it.

"Uncle Jervis!" she called. "Uncle Joker, Aunt Harley, come quickly!"

"What is it, my dear?" asked Tetch, hurrying into the room with Joker and Harley following.

Alice held up the wire. "Arleen and J.J. – they accidentally mixed up the phone charger and the time machine."

"Oh, botheration!" exclaimed Tetch. "I knew that would happen someday – I really should have put up a sign…"

"Wait, what's happened?" demanded Joker. "Where are the kids? And what time machine?"

"I invented a time machine several years ago," explained Tetch. "Just to see if I could – it was never intended to be used. Time travel of any kind risks permanently disrupting the space-time continuum and ending all life on earth as we know it. But apparently your children have accidentally used it, and are now somewhere in the past, judging by the date on the hat," he said, examining it.

Both Joker and Harley just stared at him. And then Harley shrieked in horror, grabbing the hat from him. "Babies!" she screamed. "We have to go after them – we have to rescue them!"

"That would be terribly unwise – more people going back would only increase the chances of something going wrong and forever altering the future in disastrous ways," retorted Tetch.

"You gotta have some way to bring 'em back!" shouted Joker.

Tetch shook his head slowly. "It was never intended to be used, so I didn't create any fail-safes. They're trapped there unless they can find some way to get back. And they're fairly smart children, so they should…"

"Look, pal, we ain't just leaving our kiddies stuck in the past!" roared Joker, grabbing Tetch around the collar. "So just make that thing take us back to whenever they are so we can go get 'em!"

"Puddin'," gasped Harley, staring at the date on the hat. "The day they went back…"

"What about it?" demanded Joker.

"It's…the day we first met," she whispered. "In Arkham."

"Oh dear," stammered Tetch. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. If Arleen or J.J. somehow manage to interfere with that event, it will result in a time paradox in which they were never born, and will consequently cease to exist in this or any other reality. Along with all our lives as we know them."


	2. Chapter 2

"What the hell just happened?" demanded J.J., looking around. He and his sister had disappeared from Tetch's garage only to reappear in a road seemingly in the middle of nowhere.

"Dunno – you must have done something with the phone charger," snapped Arleen. "That's what you get for shoving me outta the way."

"You're stuck here too," retorted J.J. "We must have somehow activated one of Uncle Jervis's machines. Now we just have to figure out where it sent us…"

"I got a pretty good idea," said Arleen, pointing behind him. J.J. turned around to see a building looming over them on a hill, all Gothic turrets and crags. The sign in front of them outside the gate read _Arkham Asylum._

"Great. Uncle Jervis invented a teleporter to the looney bin," sighed J.J. "He must get homesick or something. Let me just call Mom and Dad to pick us up…"

"J.J., look out!" shrieked Arleen, as a car suddenly turned a corner in the road, heading right for him. Arleen knocked her brother out of the way and to the ground just as the car screeched to a halt, and a woman got out.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, are you ok?!" the woman shrieked, rushing over to them. "I'm so sorry I didn't see you in time, but this is kinda a blind corner, y'know, and it's my first day so I'm not used to the drive here, and you probably shouldn't be standing in the road anyway, but it's completely my fault and I'm so sorry! Lemme see," she said, kneeling down gently next to Arleen and turning J.J. over.

He groaned, feeling his scraped arm from the fall, and then looked up to see the woman kneeling above him. And his jaw dropped in shock. "Mom?" he gasped, astonished.

The woman kneeling over him was indeed Dr. Harleen Quinzel, although many years younger, fresh-faced and straight out of medical school. Arleen and J.J. were used to their mother dressed in her Harley Quinn getup, or some variation of that, so it was a surprise to say the least to see her sensibly dressed in a black skirt, red shirt and tie, and lab coat, her blonde hair done up in a tight bun, and wearing thick, round glasses over her wide, blue eyes.

"Oh my God, you're delirious!" she cooed, laying a hand on his forehead. "I ain't your mother, sweetie – not old enough, for a start!" she laughed. "But don't you worry – I'm getting you to a hospital and they'll get you all patched up, no problemo, you'll see! C'mon, sweetie, help me lift him into the car," she said to Arleen.

"No, no, it's ok – I can stand," said J.J., getting slowly to his feet with the help of his sister. They both still stared at their mother, baffled. "Uh…we don't look familiar to you at all?" asked J.J., slowly.

"Nope. We ain't met before, have we?" she asked. "I'm Dr. Harleen Quinzel, but call me Harley, everyone does," she continued, extending her hand. "Pleased to meetcha."

Being introduced to their own mother was a very surreal experience. "Er…likewise," stammered J.J., shaking her hand awkwardly. "I'm…J.J., and this is my twin sister, Arleen."

"Oh, sister!" laughed Harley. "For a moment I thought she was your girlfriend! But yeah, I can see the family resemblance now," she said, nodding. "Same eyes. Almost the same color as mine!" she laughed.

"Yeah…how 'bout that," said J.J., slowly, sharing a look with his sister. "So, Mom…Harley, um…what brings you to Arkham?"

"Oh, I'm just about to start my new job here," she said, beaming. "Newly qualified psychiatrist, y'know, and I'm so excited I get to dive right in to some really messed up minds. Always had an attraction for extreme personalities, y'know, and I can't wait to get my hands on some. But first things first – you're coming with me to the hospital to get yourself checked out."

"Oh no, that's fine," said J.J., hurriedly. "Don't wanna make you late for your first day…"

"I'm sure they'll understand," said Harley. "Accidents can happen to anyone, and they must know they got a blind spot on the drive here. I'll just call Arkham and tell 'em I'm gonna be late."

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed a number. "J.J., what the hell is going on?" hissed Arleen while Harley talked on the phone.

"My guess is we activated some kinda time machine," muttered J.J. "And have consequently gone back in time. So it's very important we don't do anything to mess up the space time continuum, like make Mom late for her first day at Arkham."

Arleen's eyes widened. "The day she met Dad!" she gasped. "What'll happen if that doesn't happen?"

"Nothing good," retorted J.J. "Geez, maybe Mom was right. Maybe it would have been better for me to stay off the phone – then at least we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Ok, we're good to go!" said Harley, cheerfully, hanging up. "Just spoke to a Dr. Joan Leland – she seems nice. She was gonna give me my orientation but she told me we'll postpone it. Now let's get you kids to the hospital!"

Arleen and J.J. reluctantly climbed into the backseat. "Postponing doesn't mean it won't happen, right?" asked Arleen, slowly.

"Sure," agreed J.J., trying to sound casual. "Mom'll meet him later today or even tomorrow. Won't matter – Dad won't be going anywhere. He's safely locked up in his cell. The only thing we gotta hope is that from here on out, nothing else goes wrong."

His hopes were about to be very, very disappointed.


	3. Chapter 3

"Well, he's a little scraped up, but nothing serious," said the doctor, as J.J., Arleen, and Harley sat in the examination room. "Physically anyway – you said he was delirious?"

"No, no, I just mistook…Harley for someone else," said J.J., hastily. "My mother. She looks a little like her – blonde hair, blue eyes, and I was kinda dazed from the accident…"

"He's fine," agreed Arleen. "It's not the first time he's been delusional – he's been that way since we were kids."

J.J. stuck his tongue out at his sister. "I can do a cranial scan if you like…" began the doctor.

"Oh no, that's not necessary, I don't think," said Harley. "I can handle mental problems – I am a head shrinker, y'know!" she laughed.

"Well, have a candy bar or two to recover your strength, and then you're fine to go," said the doctor, leaving the room.

"Yeah, I spotted a vending machine outside," said Harley, reaching into her purse. "Arleen, you wanna go get your brother a candy bar?"

Arleen sighed, rolling her eyes. "Fine," she muttered, taking the bill from Harley and leaving her and J.J. alone.

"You're sure you're feeling ok now?" asked Harley, gazing at him in concern.

"Yes, Mom…Harley," corrected J.J. "Sorry, you just…reminded me of my mother again being so…concerned for my health."

"You need to call her or anything?" asked Harley. "I know if I found out my kid went to the hospital and nobody told me, I'd be mad as hell."

"Yeah…you would," agreed J.J., slowly. "I mean… _she_ would…but it's fine, I'm sure Arleen's calling her right now."

"What were you both doing out by Arkham anyway?" asked Harley.

"Uh…we were…involved in a…science experiment," said J.J., slowly.

"Yeah? Brainy guy, huh?" she asked, smiling at him. "I like that."

J.J. smiled awkwardly. "Well, Harley, we shouldn't keep you," he said, standing up quickly. "You need to get to your new job…"

"Oh, I can give you a lift home first," said Harley. "Least I could do after I nearly hit you…"

"No, that's ok," said J.J., hastily. "We'll walk – you just get to Arkham ASAP, c'mon…" he said, taking her hand.

In his hurry to head toward the door, he knocked his scraped knee against the hospital bed and lost his balance, hissing in pain as he fell to the ground. Harley knelt down next to him.

"You ok?" she asked, gently.

"Yes," he said, hastily. "Fine."

"Lemme see…" she said, reaching toward his leg.

"No, it's fine," said J.J.

"I am a doctor, y'know, J.J.," she retorted. "I went to medical school. Now let me see."

She pulled up his pant leg and felt the injury. "How does that feel?" she asked gently, gazing up at him.

"Yeah, fine, good…" stammered J.J., trying to cover his leg again.

Harley looked at him tenderly. "Y'know, it's funny," she murmured. "I've always liked older guys."

"Yeah, you have," agreed J.J. "Uh…I mean…yeah, you have?"

"Yeah," she murmured. "Only now I…think there's something to be said for younger guys too. I just feel…this inexplicable kinda attraction…" she whispered, leaning forward.

J.J. hated to think where things would have gone had Arleen not entered the room at that moment, saw him seated on the floor with Harley fondling his bare leg, and snorted in sudden laughter.

"Don't let me interrupt!" she giggled.

"Shut up," growled J.J., struggling to his feet. "I was just telling…Harley that we should head off and let her get back to her job at Arkham…"

"And I was just telling J.J. that I'm gonna give you a ride home first," said Harley. "He can barely walk with his leg all scraped and bruised like that."

"Well, that's a nice offer, Harley, but you can't drive us home," retorted Arleen.

"Why not?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Because we don't have a home," said Arleen, emotionlessly. "My brother and I live on the streets of Gotham – our parents died when we were children and we have to fend for ourselves now. We only have each other left."

"Oh my God…that's awful!" exclaimed Harley. "I'm so sorry!"

J.J. looked at Arleen in puzzlement, but she gave him a look that said to trust her. "Yeah, it's pretty tragic," she continued, in the same emotionless tone. "So anyway, since we don't have anyplace to go, maybe we could tag along with you for the time being."

"You mean come along to Arkham?" asked Harley. "Gee, I dunno – they might not want too many visitors."

"Ok," sighed Arleen. "Then just drop us off by some fast food place – we'll need to go through their dumpsters to find tonight's dinner."

Arleen knew her mother was a tender-hearted woman, too tender-hearted for own good, some would say, and that starving orphans weren't the kind of people she would just abandon, no matter how awkward dragging them into work would be.

"No, don't be silly – you can both come with me," said Harley. "You can hang out in my office while I do the orientation, and after work I can take you home and give you a room at mine until you get yourselves sorted and back on your feet again."

"Oh no, you don't have to do that," said J.J.

"I don't have to," agreed Harley, nodding. "But it would be a pleasure," she said, smiling at him.

Harley left them to go fill out the discharge paperwork and collect the bill, and J.J. instantly rounded on his sister. "What the hell was all that?" he demanded.

"Hey, she bought it, didn't she?" retorted Arleen, shrugging.

"Yeah, she bought it, but what did the sob story accomplish?" demanded J.J. "We don't wanna get in the way of her meeting Dad, which we will be at Arkham, and in case you haven't noticed, she's kinda got the hots for me, so the last thing I wanna do is remain in her company!"

"Ok, genius, calm down and think for a moment," snapped Arleen. "Yeah, Mom's got a crush on you. So we've gotta be around to make sure her crush transfers from you to Dad. Trust me, as a woman, that's not gonna happen naturally, so we've gotta make it happen. And secondly, the only way we're getting out of here is with the help of someone who can build another time machine. And the only one who can do that is the same guy who built the first one."

"Uncle Jervis," said J.J.

"Yep," agreed Arleen. "And where would Uncle Jervis be right about now?"

"Arkham," admitted J.J., grudgingly.

"So y'see?" said Arleen, smugly. "I got everything under control. All you gotta do is control Mom."

"Easier said than done," muttered J.J., following her out of the room. "You've seen her when she gets in the mood with Dad. That woman doesn't take no for an answer."


	4. Chapter 4

"Harleen Quinzel? I'm Joan Le…oh," stammered Dr. Leland, when she met Harley at the entrance to Arkham Asylum followed by Arleen and J.J. "I didn't know you were bringing company," she said, confused.

"Hi, Joan – call me Harley, everyone does," said Harley. "And these were the two I was telling you about, who I almost hit with my car. They're ok, but they don't really have anyplace else to go right now, since they live on the street and all, so I was hoping they could just hang around my office while I do my orientation."

"Uh…sure, I guess," said Dr. Leland, studying Arleen and J.J. "They'll just need visitor passes. We can't let just anyone off the street wander around in here. Oh geez, I'm sorry, forgive the expression – I didn't mean to make light of your situation," said Dr. Leland, nodding at the twins. "I meant off the street as in a stranger, not as in…living on the streets…in a derogatory way…lemme just get your passes before I dig myself in any deeper," she muttered.

"Aw, I can see why Mom and Dad always liked her," whispered Arleen to her brother. "She's nice."

"Yeah, she feels bad over nothing," agreed J.J. "You know Dad would've loved taking advantage of her guilt complex like that. He loves playing with people who've got a conscience."

"Speaking of which, we better follow Mom on her orientation," said Arleen. "We need to see her and Dad's first meeting to gauge just how bad the damage is."

"Agreed," said J.J., nodding. "But knowing Dad, he'll just turn on the old Joker charm and have Mom wrapped around his little finger in no time!"

"I think you have a bizarre amount of faith in the old Joker charm," said Arleen.

"Hey, it's never failed me yet!" chuckled J.J. "Unfortunately in Mom's case," he muttered under his breath.

"Harley, your office is just here," said Dr. Leland, opening the door to reveal a spacious, minimally furnished room. "If you two need anything, just head back to reception. We'll leave you here for now," said Dr. Leland, heading toward the cell block.

"Arleen, look after your brother," said Harley, nodding at her and closing the door.

"Yes, Mom," muttered Arleen.

"C'mon," said J.J., opening the door carefully and watching them disappear down the hall. "Coast is clear."

They carefully crept after Harley and Dr. Leland, who entered the cell block where the inmates were kept in cells behind thick sheets of glass. Inmates who Arleen and J.J. mostly recognized as friends of their parents, or honorary relations of theirs.

"Look, Uncle Edward," whispered J.J., pointing into a cell where green question marks had been painted on the wall, and a man sat scribbling at a sheet of paper, among the tons which already surrounded him. "Geez, Dad was right. He always was a loser."

"Who's that?" asked Arleen, pointing at another cell whose glass was frosted up.

"Before our time," murmured J.J. "Remember Freeze?"

"Oh yeah – the one Dad kept making ice puns about," nodded Arleen. "There's Uncle Jervis!" she whispered, pointing to a nearby cell.

"And there's Dad!" said J.J., nodding at the cell which Dr. Leland and Harley stopped in front of.

"I'll warn you right now, these are hard core psychotics," Dr. Leland was saying. "If you're thinking about cashing in on them by writing a tell-all book, think again. They'd eat a novice like you for breakfast."

Joker was leaning against the corner of his cell, whistling, when he noticed Harley and smiled, winking at her.

"Got something in your eye?" Harley asked.

Joker looked slightly taken aback by the response. "Er…no," he said.

"Ok, then," she retorted, moving along down the cells and leaving Joker staring after her.

"Well, that's hardly eyes meeting across a crowded asylum and instant true love," muttered Arleen, frowning. "We've got our work cut out for us, J.J. J.J.?" she asked, noticing her brother was distracted, gazing into a cell on the opposite side from Joker's. "Oh, brother," she muttered, rolling her eyes when she saw that the figure inside it, tending to her plants, was Poison Ivy.

Arleen elbowed her brother in the ribs. "Were you even watching Mom and Dad?" she demanded.

"Sure," he said. "But remind me what happened, just in case I wasn't."

"He winked at her, and she basically ignored him," retorted Arleen. "So it's as bad as we thought."

"Right, bad," murmured J.J., his eyes drifting back over to Ivy.

"J.J., this is serious!" snapped Arleen. "If Mom and Dad don't get together, we could end up not being born, which would mean we'd be erased from existence!"

"So what's your plan for getting them together?" asked J.J.

"First thing's first," said Arleen, her eyes drifting over to Tetch's cell where he sat, having a tea party by himself. "We need to bust out Uncle Jervis. He can't build another time machine inside his cell. Luckily Mom and Dad have told us enough stories about ways to break people outta Arkham that it should be a piece of cake. Doesn't Mom's office have an emergency axe in it next to the fire alarm?"

"Yeah, but if we're gonna go with the direct approach, we'll probably be caught by the guards," said J.J.

"Not if they're distracted by the fire alarm," retorted Arleen. "We get everyone to evacuate, and in the confusion grab Uncle Jervis and go."

"Can we take Aunt Ivy with us too?" asked J.J. "I'm sure she'd be grateful."

"We don't have time for that!" snapped Arleen. "Now get your head out of Aunt Ivy's flower bed and come on!"

The twins headed back to Harley's office, opening the door and stepping inside. "One of us should probably keep a lookout for Mom…" began Arleen, but she turned and suddenly stopped talking. "Dad?" she gasped.

The Joker was standing in Harley's office, placing a rose with a note attached into a vase on her desk. He looked up at the intrusion and scowled. "Who the hell are you two?" he demanded.

"Uh…we're…uh…friends of Dr. Quinzel's," invented Arleen. "And you're…the Joker. What are you doing out of your cell?"

"None of your business," retorted Joker, shoving the rose behind his back. "And frankly, nobody's supposed to know I'm outta my cell, so as long as I'm here, I might need to silence you two. Permanently."

"Ok, but if you do that, Dr. Quinzel will never forgive you," spoke up J.J.

"And what do you think some dumb blonde shrink matters to me?" demanded Joker.

"Well, you're leaving her a flower," retorted Arleen. "With a note that says 'Come down and see me sometime.'"

"Oh yeah, I totally forgot he did that!" exclaimed J.J. "It's all coming back to me now though!"

"What the hell are you talking about, kid?" demanded Joker, glaring at him. "I dunno who you are, but I don't much like the look of you. You kinda resemble a young, tribute act version of me."

"Tribute act?" repeated J.J., offended. "I'm hurt, Dad…Dad…Daddy-o."

"Look, Joker, you obviously think Dr. Quinzel's fairly attractive," interrupted Arleen. "Sneaking outta your cell just to leave a flower for her is a big risk to take for somebody you have zero interest in."

Joker shrugged. "She's hot, I guess. Got a nice ass – I got a good look at it as she walked away."

"Yeah…well…we've known Dr. Quinzel a long time," continued Arleen. "And I think you got a pretty good chance at winning her if you play your cards right. In fact, I think you should devote all your time and attention to that exclusively from now on."

"You clearly don't know me very well, kid," retorted Joker. "I'm the Joker. I ain't some pining, pathetic pretty boy who spends his days figuring out how to make a girl like him. I've got bigger fish to fry. Bigger Bat-fish."

"Right, but…you've fought Batman a long time," said Arleen, slowly. "So maybe you deserve a change of focus for now. After all, you don't want people thinking the Joker has gone all stale and predictable, do you?"

She choked suddenly as Joker reached out a hand and grabbed her around the throat. "I ain't stale or predictable, kid!" he hissed.

J.J. grabbed the vase off the desk, smashing it and holding the broken ceramic to Joker's face. "Let my sister go!" he hissed.

"You don't have the guts, kid," he retorted. "I can see it in your eyes – you don't have the heart to cut me."

"I don't want to," agreed J.J. "But you hurt my sister, and I will."

It was a tense Mexican standoff, with Arleen gasping for breath, when suddenly it ended with the door being opened, and Harley and Dr. Leland entering the office.

"So let me know if you need…Joker!" gasped Dr. Leland, shocked at the situation in the office. "How did you get out of your cell? Let her go at once!" she snapped. "Or it's no dessert for a month!"

Joker growled, but threw Arleen to the ground. "My after-dinner Jell-O's a little more valuable than your neck, kid," he retorted.

J.J. dropped the vase and knelt down to see to his sister. He was swiftly joined by Harley. "Oh my God, are you ok, Arleen?" she gasped. "How could you threaten an innocent young woman like that, you heartless monster?" she demanded, glaring up at Joker.

Joker shrugged. "Criminal lunatic, toots, that's just what I am," he retorted. "Completely heartless."

"Yes, you certainly are," she agreed.

Arleen let out a cry of pain, clutching at her heart suddenly. "Leenie, what is it?" whispered J.J.

She gazed at him with tears in her eyes. "Can't you feel it, J.J.?" she whispered. "We're being slowly wiped from existence."

J.J. suddenly felt a sharp, shooting pain in his heart too. He looked up at Harley and Joker, glaring daggers at each other until the Joker was dragged back off to his cell. The rose with Joker's note attached lay with the shattered remains of the broken vase, dead and forgotten on the ground.

"Yeah, we're in trouble," he whispered, hugging his sister tightly. "But don't worry, Leenie. We'll make this right. I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

Arleen managed to reassure Dr. Leland and Harley that she was fine after her ordeal, fine enough for them to go to lunch and leave her to have a short rest to recover. "Ok, if you're sure, sweetie," said Harley. "J.J., you coming?"

"I think I'll stay to look after my sister, Harley," replied J.J.

"Oh. Ok," said Harley, clearly disappointed but not about to argue in the circumstances. "I'm sure someone can direct you to the cafeteria if you change your mind."

"Yeah, I'm sure they can," agreed J.J., smiling. He shut the door after her and his smile fell. "But I won't," he muttered, heading back over to Arleen, who sat on the couch. He sat down next to her. "You ok?" he asked gently.

"I was just attacked by my father, J.J.," muttered Arleen. "Of course I'm not ok."

"Leenie, that wasn't Dad," said J.J. "I mean, that _was_ Dad, but he didn't know you were you, who you really were, I mean…you know he'd never hurt you."

"I know," agreed Arleen. "But it's still a pretty disturbing experience."

"Hey, try having your Mom be in love with you!" chuckled J.J. "This whole going back in time thing is a really disturbing experience all round. When we get back home, I'm not gonna recommend it to anyone!"

" _Are_ we gonna get back home, J.J.?" whispered Arleen, tears in her eyes.

"I promised we would, didn't I?" asked J.J. "Don't worry, little sis. Your big brother is gonna make this right."

He kissed her cheek and she hugged him tightly. Then she stood up. "C'mon," she said, grabbing the emergency axe, and then smashing the glass to activate the fire alarm. "Let's get to work on that breakout."

The alarm blared through the asylum as staff headed outside. Arleen and J.J. peered cautiously out of the office and then snuck toward the cell block, losing themselves in the crowd. When they reached the cell block, two guards were on the radio, trying to confirm if the alarm was a drill or genuine, in which case they'd need to evacuate the lunatics from their cells.

J.J. picked up a fire extinguisher by the door and then nodded at Arleen, who slammed the blunt end of the axe into the guard's skull, while J.J. knocked out the other one. Then they strode into the cell block.

"Hi, Mr. Tetch," said Arleen, stopping in front of Tetch's cell and smiling. "You're to come with us, please."

"Oh," said Tetch, clearly surprised that he was the reason for the false alarm. "I see. Who are you?"

"It's a long story," said Arleen, raising the axe. "We'll explain it to you once we're outta here."

She smashed the glass with the axe, and a few blows created a hole big enough for Tetch to crawl through. "C'mon, J.J., let's go," she said. "J.J.? J.J.!" she snapped, to see her brother in front of Poison Ivy's cell.

"C'mon, Leenie, as long as we're busting people outta here, why don't we help Ivy out as well?" asked J.J., smiling pleadingly.

"J.J., we don't have time!" snapped Arleen. "Let's just go before more guards get here!"

J.J. sighed heavily. "Please don't hold this against me – I tried," he said to Ivy.

"You're too cute to hold anything against, handsome," purred Ivy. "Except me, if you get what I'm saying. If you bust me out, of course."

"Leenie, c'mon…" began J.J.

"We're going!" shouted Arleen, grabbing her brother around the collar and dragging him off.

"Try not to remember this in the future!" called back J.J.

They headed back to Harley's office with Tetch in tow and climbed out the window.

"Mr. Tetch, tell me you know how to hotwire a car," said Arleen as they reached the parking lot.

"I'm afraid not," said Tetch. "I assumed since you two were organizing this breakout that you'd have arranged some form of transport."

"Believe me, we're just improvising," replied J.J. "Having to work with what we got, and right now that's not much more than our brains. I guess I can try my hand at hotwiring…"

"No need, kid," said a voice, suddenly. "I got this."

They heard an engine starting, and turned to see the Joker standing by a vehicle, slamming down the hood and smiling. "How did you get out of your cell?" demanded Arleen.

"The same way I got out earlier," retorted Joker. "Anyway, it's rude to break a guy out and not invite everyone else. Very inconsiderate – didn't your parents teach you any manners?"

"Yes, they damn well did!" retorted J.J. "But if they're going to teach us manners in the future, let alone exist, you've got to stay here with Dr. Quinzel!"

"You two do a lotta crazy talking, y'know!" chuckled Joker. "Sure you don't belong in the asylum yourselves? Maybe I oughta just leave you here along with the nutjobs and the hat nerd!"

He opened the car door. "But something about you two seems kinda…familiar, I guess, is the word. Although I'm pretty sure we've never met."

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "We can't explain it to him now – we don't have the time!" said Arleen. "Let's just take him with us and we'll get him and Mom together later! It's not like he's going to win her on his own – you've seen where the old Joker charm got him earlier!"

"I still have faith in the old Joker charm!" snapped J.J. "But fine, let's go!"

He, Arleen, Tetch, and Joker all climbed into the car. "Hang on to your hats and Hatters, kiddies!" he chuckled, as he slammed on the gas pedal and burst out through the gates of Arkham.

"Boy, we are gonna blow his mind when he finds out whose kiddies we are," whispered J.J. to his sister.

"Blowing the Joker's mind?" replied Arleen. "That would be a first."


	6. Chapter 6

"Jervis, I wasn't expecting you back from Arkham so soon," said Jonathan Crane, as the door to the apartment he shared with Jervis Tetch opened, and Tetch entered. "You won't believe the narrow escape I had from Batman the other night – thought I was going to join you in there again. I was actually on fire at one point in the evening…"

He frowned when the Joker followed Tetch into the apartment. "What's _he_ doing here?!" Crane demanded. "Jervis, I expected better from you – you shouldn't lead a man like this back to our home! God knows what he plans to do with that information! He'd probably find it terribly funny to blow it up, or stab us all while we sleep, or…"

Crane trailed off suddenly as the twins entered the apartment – he stared at Arleen and his jaw dropped in astonishment. "Who…on earth is this?" he gasped, stunned.

"It's a very good question, and one we're all rather intrigued to know the answer to," said Tetch, turning to the twins. "They were the ones who went through the effort of breaking me out of Arkham, but to what end, I'm not certain."

Arleen took a deep breath. "This is gonna sound crazy…" she began.

"Don't worry, kid – you're surrounded by people who sound like that all the time!" chuckled Joker.

"My brother and I…are from the future," said Arleen, slowly. "We came here in a time machine that you built, Mr. Tetch," she said, nodding at him. "Although we know you as Uncle Jervis – you're our honorary Uncle. My name is Arleen and this is J.J."

"What's the J.J. stand for?" asked Joker.

J.J. looked at him. "Joker…Junior," he said, slowly.

Joker's smile remained, and his face betrayed no change of expression. "What?" he asked, lightly.

"Joker Junior," repeated J.J. "We're your kids…Dad."

Joker choked out a laugh at last. "Kids!" he chuckled. "Geez, you really have got a few screws loose, haven't you? Me, a father! Who would ever be crazy enough to have kids with…"

He trailed off. "Dr. Quinzel," he said, slowly. "That's why you're so eager to get the two of us together."

Arleen nodded. "If you and Mom don't get together, we stop existing. Which means…"

"Which means it would create a time paradox that would bring about the end of all reality as we know it," finished Tetch, nodding. "Yes, I'm quite aware of the risks of time travel, and rather surprised that I allowed myself to even experiment with such a dangerous invention. I must get reckless in my old age."

"Wait, why should we even believe you, kid?" demanded Joker. "You were in Arkham – for all we know, you're just crazy!"

"I might be," agreed J.J. "Fortunately my phone still has enough charge on it for me to show you the miracle of 21st-century technology. Have you ever seen a smartphone before?"

"Oooh, I have not!" exclaimed Tetch, grabbing the phone from J.J. "What wonders can you accomplish with this device?"

"Mostly people use it to take pictures of their face in various expressions and then upload them to a website in the hope of getting approval from their peers in the form of virtual likes," replied J.J.

"I see. So people are just as vain in the future," sighed Tetch. "I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Time changes – people do not. The sad tragedy of humanity…"

"Blah, blah, blah, nerd crap," snapped Joker, shoving Tetch out of the way and grabbing the phone. "This thing isn't proof – one of the nerds could have invented it somehow!"

"Did either of you?" asked J.J.

"My ambitions run slightly higher than a portable vanity device, as do Jonathan's," replied Tetch. "Don't they, Jonathan? Jonathan?" he repeated, looking at his friend, who continued to just stare at Arleen, spellbound.

"I'm…sorry, what was the question?" Crane asked, distracted.

"I said our ambitions run higher than a portable vanity device," repeated Tetch. "People of intellect have better things to do than stare at people all day…"

"I wasn't staring - how dare you!" snapped Crane. "I was just…taken aback at the young lady's…utterly gorgeous appearance!"

Everyone looked at him. "Aw no," muttered Arleen.

"Welcome to the Crush Club, sis!" chuckled J.J.

"So wait, if you two are really from the future, and my kids…then you can tell me how I finally kill Batsy!" said Joker, brightening. "How do I do it? It's the Death of a Hundred Smiles, isn't it? I finally find a way to make it work! God, I'm sure glad I didn't throw that plan out!"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Uh…you haven't killed Batman, Dad," said J.J., slowly.

"And…he hasn't killed me either?" asked Joker, slowly.

"No," said Arleen.

"Has he killed anyone?" asked Joker.

"No," repeated Arleen.

"So we're just…locked in an endless cycle of perpetual violence night after night?" asked Joker.

"Pretty much," agreed J.J.

Joker looked at him, and then his face broke into an enormous grin as he began laughing hysterically. "Aw, good times! The future is nothing but bright, boys!"

"Joker, stop asking them questions about the future!" snapped Tetch. "Nobody should know too much about their own destiny! It's hugely dangerous!"

"That's why it's fun, Hatty!" chuckled Joker. "Hey, you kids don't remember any future lottery numbers, do you?"

"Uncle Jervis, we need you to build another time machine to send us back to the future," said J.J. "And we need you, Dad, to do your best to woo Mom again so we can actually be born and not have the universe suddenly collapse or anything."

"Is there any way I can be of assistance?" asked Crane.

"Yeah, get your eyes off my sister," snapped J.J.

"J.J., don't be harsh on Uncle Jonathan," retorted Arleen.

"Uncle Jonathan?" repeated Crane. "Oh God, you know what that means, don't you? It means I'm the crazy, unmarried uncle who just gets invited to family functions under duress, because I'm a bit creepy!"

"Well, you are a bit creepy," agreed Joker. "But no, the uncle who don't get invited to family functions has gotta be Tetchy here! For obvious, child-related reasons…"

"I'm not a pedophile!" snapped Tetch.

"C'mon, kiddies, he's arrested in the future for that kinda thing, right?" asked Joker.

"We're not talking any more about the future!" snapped J.J. "Uncle Jervis is right – nobody should know too much about their own destiny!"

"But…you can build another time machine, right, Uncle Jervis?" asked Arleen, slowly.

"Probably," said Tetch, shrugging. "The theory is certainly simple enough, but I will, appropriately enough, need time to work on it."

"That's fine – we'll probably need time to get Mom and Dad together after Dad's disastrous first impression," retorted J.J.

"Hey, any woman who loves me has gotta love my random violence, right?" asked Joker, shrugging. "And now that I know I'm guaranteed to be banging her in the future, winning her is gonna be a piece of cake! I'll just turn on the old Joker charm…"

"Oh God, not this again," muttered Arleen.

"Ok, but Dad, this is no joke," said J.J. "You've got to be seriously charming, for all our sakes."

"Kiddo, serious and charming ain't my style!" chuckled Joker. "Doncha know your old man at all? The old Joker charm is all about the gags! Any dame who loves me has gotta have a sense of humor – she'll just love being the punchline to my jokes!"

"Yeah…maybe eventually," agreed J.J., slowly. "But when you first met Mom, you were actually kinda romantic. You've gotta be that again."

"Right, romantic," agreed Joker, nodding. "So when I next see her, you want me to, what? Pinch her ass or something?"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "I'll work with him," said J.J. "C'mon, Dad."

"And I'll leave you to your work, Uncle Jervis," said Arleen. "Let me know if you need any help."

"And let _me_ know if _you_ need any help, my dear," said Crane to Arleen. "I am at your service."

"That's very sweet, Uncle Jonathan," said Arleen. "And I'm very flattered. But trust me, I'm not the right woman for you."

"Oh yes, of course, I understand," he said, hurriedly. "Can you at least tell me if…there _is_ a right woman for me out there?"

"I'm really not supposed to reveal the future, you heard Uncle Jervis," said Arleen, smiling apologetically. "But I will say…nobody should ever give up hope of being loved."

"Wait, you don't think she'd enjoy being pinched _or_ spanked?" demanded Joker. "What kinda crazy dame is this?!"

"See? If Dad can get a great girl like Mom, there's hope for everyone," said Arleen. "And I really, really hope he can."


	7. Chapter 7

"How's it going, J.J.?" asked Arleen, as J.J. emerged into the living room and collapsed into a chair.

He sighed heavily. "I'm beginning to think it's a miracle we were ever conceived, Leenie."

"With the way Mom's always all over Dad, I think it's a miracle we weren't conceived years ago," retorted Arleen.

"Don't get me wrong – I love Dad," said J.J. "But I'm not sure _why_ Mom fawns over him with that kind of obsessive passion. And I need to figure it out, and fast."

"Hey, sonny boy, if I saw the shrink and said, 'Give me ten minutes and a whoopie cushion and you'll see why I call it the Big J,' you think that would be a good opening chat-up line?" asked Joker, entering the room.

"I think she mostly finds stuff like that cute, I guess?" said Arleen, as J.J. rolled his eyes.

"Dad, for the last time, charm at first!" he snapped.

"That is charming!" retorted Joker. "Jokes are always charming! Geez, I must be a pretty crap father to you if I ain't even taught you that!"

"You have, Dad, but you've also taught me that sometimes women need to be handled carefully," replied J.J.

"Well, that's true," agreed Joker, nodding. "They ain't got a sense of humor, for the most part. My daughter always excepted, of course," he said, smiling at Arleen.

"So rather than just going in, jokes blazing, why don't you try a little finesse?" asked J.J.

"Like what?" asked Joker.

J.J. shrugged. "Like the kinda crap you see in romantic comedies – compliments, flowers, chocolates, that kinda stuff. Trust me, no woman can resist a handsome guy who can pull off sincere. That's what the dames like."

"Because they got no sense of humor," agreed Joker, nodding. "Worth a try, I suppose."

"Dad, what do you think attracts women to you?" asked Arleen.

Joker snorted. "Dumb question, honey. Just look at me! I got it all! Looks, brains, great sense of humor – I'm like the ideal guy in all those personal ads!"

"And have you ever actually had women romantically interested in you before?" asked Arleen.

Joker thought for a moment. "Well, not explicitly," he replied. "But sometimes you catch these looks of longing in the hostages eyes, and you almost feel bad for having to cut them out and send them to their families with a note about them being blinder than Batsy now. Good gag, though, so you don't really. Oh, and I did once have a criminal rival called The Sparrow who seemed unusually keen to have me work under her, if you get what I'm saying. But she was a dominatrix sex maniac type, so she probably felt that way about a lotta guys. God, I really hope I never meet her again – the last thing I'd wanna be stuck with for the rest of my life is some nymphomaniac blonde."

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "What?" asked Joker, noticing it.

"Nothing," said J.J., hastily. "So…if we get you back to Arkham, what are you gonna say to Mom?"

"That I came back to see her," said Joker. "Because I couldn't get her out of my mind. I couldn't concentrate on plans and schemes for the Bat because I couldn't stop thinking about her."

"There you go – that's great!" exclaimed J.J. "See, you can do this! He can do this, Leenie," he said, smiling at his sister. "And you were worried!"

"How's the time machine coming along, Uncle Jervis?" asked Arleen, as Tetch entered the room.

"Slowly," sighed Tetch. "I shall need much, much more tea, but fortunately it's always teatime in Wonderland. I must say, this would all be so much easier if I was in Wonderland – I could just murder time again," he muttered, storming off into the kitchen.

"Boy, he used to be a lot crazier," commented J.J.

"Would anybody like some tea?" asked Crane, emerging from his room. "I was going to make myself a cup…"

"Your boyfriend's already got it covered," interrupted Joker, nodding toward the kitchen. "It's kinda cute how you can sense each other's needs and stuff – I guess that's what happens when you're in a relationship for a long time. Certainly true for me and Batsy!" he chuckled.

"Jervis is not my boyfriend," growled Crane.

"Kiddies, can you tell Johnny if he has the courage to come outta the closet in the future?" asked Joker.

"Shut up!" snapped Crane, sitting down next to Arleen. "I must say, my dear, you don't look at all like your father, and I mean that as a compliment," he said. "Your mother must be stunning."

"Yeah, she is!" chuckled Joker. "And I get to bang her in the future!"

"Mom's really pretty," agreed Arleen. "But I don't resemble her much except for the eyes, I don't think. My hair's naturally blonde, like hers, but…I don't feel much like a blonde, so I dye it."

"The whole look is utterly gorgeous – the beauty of darkness," said Crane.

"Yeah, that's Goth," agreed Arleen. "Me and my friend Damian are part of that subculture – we dress this way to express our inner darkness and pain and turmoil."

"Goodness, I wish that had been allowed in my day," sighed Crane. "I was taught to bottle all of that up inside, and look where it's got me today."

"Yeah, you're used to bottling things up inside," agreed Joker, nodding. "Your inner darkness and pain and turmoil…your sexuality…"

"For the last time, I'm not gay!" snapped Crane.

"Anyway, what are you and this Damian so depressed about?" asked Joker, ignoring him. "Can't speak for him, but surely my daughter has gotta be fairly happy and carefree?"

"Well, that's kinda the problem, Dad," agreed Arleen, slowly. "Geez, it feels weird talking to you about this, since you are my Dad, but you're not yet…I just feel this pressure as the Joker's daughter to be constantly happy and cheerful, like you, only…that's not how I feel most of the time. And I don't wanna have to hide away my darkness and pretend to be something I'm not."

"Well, who's forcing you to?" he asked. "Not me, I hope – I ain't a believer in hiding or repressing anything!" he chuckled.

"Clearly," agreed J.J.

"Not you," said Arleen. "But I do…worry about disappointing you. And other people expect the Joker's daughter to act a certain way…"

"To hell with other people," interrupted Joker. "If I've taught you one thing as a father, I hope I've taught you that! Never listen to anybody else's voice but your own. Even if you got a lotta 'em chattering away in your head like I do!" he chuckled, rapping on his skull. "Anyway, I think you're worrying over nothing. I'm a hard guy to disappoint. Otherwise I would have given up on Batsy years ago."

He shrugged. "Still, you seem like a smart kid. I'm sure you'll grow outta this inner darkness and turmoil stuff. Unlike some losers here who are stuck with it for life."

"Teatime!" said Tetch, cheerfully, as he entered the room just as Crane raised a fist to punch Joker. "I have scones and crumpets and cake, not the kind that makes you grow to unusual size like poor Alice, which I think is very fortunate for all of us. We've had quite enough unusual occurrences today with time travel and visitors from the future and breakouts from Arkham."

"That last one ain't unusual," retorted Joker. "We call it a Monday."

"Good one, Dad," chuckled J.J.

Arleen picked up her teacup, and then suddenly dropped it, crying out in pain. "What is it, my dear?" asked Crane. "Did you burn yourself?"

"No," she whispered. "It's…inside me…ah!" she cried, doubling over suddenly.

"Boy, you weren't kidding about that inner pain," commented Joker, as J.J. rushed over to his sister.

"Leenie, what is it?" he murmured. And then he too cried out in pain as he felt a searing, burning sensation inside, running from his heart and shooting through his whole body.

"Oh no," murmured Tetch. "Oh no, no, no! It's happening, isn't it? You're starting to be erased!"

"Yeah, not for the first time either," whispered J.J. "But we can still…fix this!" he hissed through gritted teeth. He and his sister clung on to each other until the pain subsided – it lasted almost twice as long as the last attack, and hurt a lot more.

"You have to hurry," said Tetch. "Get the Joker back to Arkham now. Getting him and your mother together is the only way to fix the future and prevent these attacks from happening. I'll work on the time machine while you're gone, but your first priority is your parents."

"Ok, let's go," said J.J., straightening up carefully and then helping his sister to her feet. "Dad, you've seen how serious the situation is. Please don't let us down."

"Goodness, yes, it's no joke," said Crane.

"No, it's an emergency," agreed Tetch. "And you know what this means, don't you?"

Everyone just looked at him. "It's the gravest of all situations," murmured Tetch. "And it calls for the gravest of all measures. I'm cancelling teatime," he said, standing up and heading back to work.


	8. Chapter 8

"Arleen, J.J., there you are! Thank God you're safe! After Joker's escape, we feared the worst, and…Joker?!" exclaimed Harley, as Arleen, J.J., and Joker entered through the front doors of Arkham Asylum. Harley, Dr. Leland, and several guards were gathered at the reception desk discussing the recent breakout and missing persons, and everyone stared dumbfounded at Joker as he strode up to join them, holding out his wrists.

"I'd like to turn myself in and recommit myself, please," he said, smiling.

Dr. Leland stared at him. "Is this a joke?" she demanded.

"No joke, Doc," he said. "Scout's honor! I admit I orchestrated the breakout and took the kiddies hostage, but I'm back now and willing to do the time for my crime."

"Oh yes? Why's that?" asked Dr. Leland, suspiciously.

Joker shrugged. "I had something worth coming back for," he said, glancing at Harley.

"Well…thank you for doing the right thing, Mr. Joker," said Harley, slowly. "And I'm so glad you two are all right! He didn't hurt you, did he, J.J.?" she asked, cooing adoringly over him.

"No, Harley," retorted J.J., irritated. "But wasn't it great of Joker to come back? He could just as easily have killed us and run off, but he didn't."

"Yeah, that really makes up for all of his other numerous, heinous crimes," sighed Dr. Leland, sarcastically. "Come on, Joker – let's get you back to your cell and I'll resume your therapy…"

"Hey, maybe as a reward for coming back, I could try some therapy with a new doctor," interrupted Joker. "Dr. Quinzel here, for instance."

"Why would I want to analyze you?" asked Harley. "You're well known to be the most difficult patient the doctors have to deal with – I don't want that kinda headache."

"I just feel like I could maybe open up to you better than the other doctors," replied Joker. "You seem so kind and understanding…just look at the concern you're showing over the kid here," he said, gesturing to J.J. "That kinda sympathy could be just what I need to cure myself. I'm confident if anyone can accomplish that miracle, it's you, Dr. Quinzel."

Harley and Dr. Leland shared a look. "He's a massive pain, I warn you right now," said Dr. Leland. "But if you're willing to give it a try, I am."

"I guess so," sighed Harley, clearly wanting to do nothing less. "We'll do a trial session anyway and see how it goes. Arleen and J.J., if you wanna head to the infirmary to make sure you're ok…"

"Couldn't we stay and watch the session?" asked J.J. "Just for a little while, just to see…how things go."

"I don't have any objection if you don't," said Dr. Leland, shrugging. "The more eyes that are on him, the less he can try whatever joke he's got planned. Maybe something involving Tetch, since he's still missing. Anyway, I don't know what your game is, Joker, but I know there _is_ one, and I'm asking you nicely to please leave Dr. Quinzel out of it. She's just started here. The last thing we want you doing is scaring her off…"

"Don't you worry, Doc!" chuckled Joker. "Scaring her off ain't what I had in mind. Although I imagine the size of the Big J is intimidating to some people…"

"Dad, charm!" hissed J.J. as they followed Harley back toward her office. "Leenie and I will beat it and give you some alone time if things look promising, so please do your best."

"You got it, kid," said Joker, nodding as Arleen and J.J. took a seat next to Harley's desk. She pulled her chair over next to the sofa where Joker sat, and pulled out her notebook.

"Ok, Mr. Joker, why don't I ask you some questions about your childhood?" she said.

"I've got a better idea," he said. "Why don't I tell you the real reason I came back? It was to see you."

"To see me?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "Why? You looked at me once and then threatened my friends. That's been the extent of our interaction."

"Yeah, but a look and a threat is enough for me to know," said Joker, nodding.

"To know what?" asked Harley, confused.

"To know that you're the one," he said. "The only one who could ever understand me, Doc. I feel this connection between us. I felt it the instant I saw you, and I knew then that we were two of a kind, you and me. The same kinda people, who see the world in the same kinda way."

Harley just looked at him. "And that's why you're considered crazy, Mr. Joker," she retorted. "You imagine these things about other people…"

"It ain't my imagination," he interrupted. "Don't tell me you haven't felt it too?"

"Felt a connection to a psychotic murderer?" asked Harley. "No, I can honestly say I haven't."

"Harley, you know there's more to me than that," he replied.

"It's Dr. Quinzel," she retorted, coldly. "And what more to you is there, Mr. Joker? I've seen your files – they portray you as a cold, unfeeling man whose only pleasure is the cruel humor you find in your violent jokes."

"Well, that's…true," agreed Joker, slowly. "But I haven't told you how I became the man I am today. It all started when my Dad took me to the circus when I was seven…"

"So you blame your father for the way you turned out," interrupted Harley. "That's a way of avoiding taking responsibility for yourself, isn't it, Mr. Joker?"

"No, it's just trying to explain to you why I think violent jokes are funny…"

"You can't excuse them to yourself or me like that though," retorted Harley. "Frankly, I can't even feel that much pity for a man who thinks that just because he had a rough childhood, he can remain a perpetual spoiled, violent child taking his anger and frustrations out on the world by hurting people. Were you hoping that kind of backstory would provoke sympathy in me? Because it's done the opposite, if I even believe it anyway, which I don't."

"Harley, give him a chance," spoke up J.J. "He's not so bad a guy – we were with him most of the day and he didn't hurt us…"

"If he had, I wouldn't even have indulged this silly request for a session," retorted Harley. "And I haven't just forgiven him for kidnapping you both – I was worried sick. He has to learn that he can't just get away with murder and expect people to pander to him and his whims. No matter how difficult a childhood he had."

J.J. shared a desperate look with Joker, and then glanced over at his sister, who had been silent since their return. She spoke up now. "Maybe this is a little off-topic, but when you're involved in a kidnapping, your life kinda flashes before your eyes. I had a few moments today where…I thought I might stop existing, and all I could think about was the people I loved there at the end. It was a pretty powerful experience. Have you ever felt that, Mr. Joker?"

"Yeah," he agreed, looking at Harley. "I think I have."

Harley snorted. "Right," she said, rolling her eyes. "I doubt a heartless killer like you even has that ability. Just what do you think love is, Mr. Joker?"

He was silent for a moment. "Love is jumping off a building," he said at last.

"What?" asked Harley, confused.

"Love is jumping off a building," he repeated, nodding. "A leap into plummeting uncertainty. You get the same kinda queasy, falling feeling either way," he chuckled. "Love is jumping off a building just because the person you love is doing it. You jump off with 'em, because you got blind faith and trust that they've got a plan before you hit the ground. That's what love is."

He reached out a hand and took Harley's. "I jumped off that building," he murmured sincerely, gazing into her eyes. "I came back. For you."

Harley stared back at him. "Oh my God," she whispered. "You think…you're in love with me?"

He shook his head. "I don't think anything," he said. "You don't think when you jump off a building. You just feel."

He leaned forward gently, and the twins waited with baited breath, hearts pounding as they hoped and prayed he was about to kiss her...

A hope and prayer that was swiftly disappointed as Harley reached out a hand and slapped Joker hard across the face. "Listen to me, you disgusting creep!" she shrieked, furiously. "I am not in love with you! And I'm not so unprofessional as to let my patient kiss me because he's become disgustingly and obsessively fixated on me in some perverse way he thinks is love! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! This session is over, and there will never be another one! I'm calling the guards!"

She stood up. "Harley, please…" began Joker.

"It's Dr. Quinzel, for the last time!" she snapped. "And don't think I won't file a sexual harassment report about this, Mr. Joker! Just take him back to his cell!" she ordered as the guards entered the room.

Joker was dragged off, and Harley took a deep breath. "If you two will excuse me for a moment, I'm going to need a minute to myself to get my temper back under control," she muttered.

The twins left the office, trying not to give in to despair. "How are we gonna fix this, J.J.?" asked Arleen, desperately.

"I dunno," he said. "I need to think. Mom and Dad must have bonded over something else besides his abusive childhood story. Mom's told us the details of their courtship a hundred times – there's gotta be a key in there somewhere."

"There is," said Arleen quietly, suddenly realizing. "The thing Mom and Dad bonded over, the thing that triggered Mom's true descent into madness."

"Which is?" demanded J.J.

"Batman," whispered Arleen. "We need Batman."


	9. Chapter 9

"This had better work, Leenie," growled J.J.

"Have you got a better idea?" she demanded.

"No, but this whole thing is really uncomfortable for me," retorted J.J. "I'll probably need intensive therapy over this whole experience for years to come."

"Lucky your Mom's a shrink then," retorted Arleen. "Are you ready?"

J.J. took a deep breath. "Ready," he muttered.

He opened the door to Harley's office, a forced smile on his face. "Harley, you've had such a rough day," he said to her. "Maybe I can help end it on a good note. Would you be interested in having dinner with me tonight?"

"You mean…like a date?" stammered Harley, elated.

"Yeah…like a date," agreed J.J., slowly. "But it doesn't have to involve any date stuff…I mean, you don't even have to dress up or anything if you don't want to…"

"No, no, no, I _do_ want to," interrupted Harley. "I really do. Where did you have in mind?"

"I'll show you this evening," said J.J. "But I kinda want it to be a surprise."

"Oh. Ok," said Harley, smiling. "I enjoy surprises."

"Then you'll really enjoy this one," said J.J., grinning. "I'm just gonna see how Leenie's doing - I'll see you later," he said, reaching out to hug her. He held the hug for some time, and when he drew away at last, Harley caught his hand, bringing her lips toward his.

"Ok, see you tonight," he said, pulling away from her hurriedly and heading quickly toward the door. He slammed the office door, leaning against it and sighing in relief. "Close one," he muttered to his sister, who waited outside.

"Did you get them?" she demanded.

J.J. nodded, holding out the ring of keys he had purloined from Harley during the hug. "Lucky Dad used to play pickpocket with us from an early age. Or at least, he will in the future, hopefully."

They headed into the cell block, which appeared to be lacking in guards, and a sign on the door read _Gone to Lunch – back in 10_. "Boy, the security in this place really is terrible," commented J.J. "I can see how everyone always used to break out so easily."

They reached Joker's cell, and Arleen tapped on the glass. "Hey, Dad," she said, holding up the keys. "We're getting you outta here."

"I thought you wanted me in here to charm Dr. Quinzel," replied Joker, confused.

"Change of plans," said Arleen. "We need to get you back outta here in order to charm Mom at dinner tonight. She thinks she's going out with J.J., but you're gonna be there instead."

"And what makes you think that'll help?" asked Joker. "If she wasn't interested in the session today, she's hardly gonna have changed her mind by dinner tonight."

"Just trust us, Dad, please," said J.J. "It was a lotta effort asking my Mom out on a date – the least you can do is make that worth my while."

Joker shrugged, leaning back on his bed. "I don't really see the point, kids. Maybe in your future Dr. Quinzel had the hots for me, but I don't see any hope for that the ways things are at the moment. There's not even a spark of attraction there – you saw that today."

"That's because the catalyst of your spark is missing," said J.J. "Trust us, a romantic dinner on a rooftop by candlelight will be just the thing to light that fire."

"I dunno, kiddies," said Joker, shaking his head. "I ain't really the type to beg a dame to love me. If she ain't interested, that's her loss. I have better things to do with my time."

"What, like sit in this cell?" demanded Arleen. "Dad, nobody can blame you if you're afraid of being rejected again…"

"I'm not afraid of it!" snapped Joker. "I'm not afraid of anything! It's just annoying, and insulting, and I can do without being slapped in the face again just for trying to be nice!"

"That's not the Dad I know," sighed Arleen, shaking her head. "First of all, someone being violent toward him would only put him more in the mood. And second of all, he doesn't give up. Our Dad always taught us that was one of the most important things in life – to just keep fighting. He showed us that by continuing to fight Batman night after night. Your tenacity is one of things your family loves and admires most about you."

"Yeah?" asked Joker, hopefully. "Nobody's ever…recognized my tenacity before. At least not in a positive light. The papers are always going on about my unrelenting reign of terror, but I don't think they mean that in a complimentary sense."

"Your family does," said Arleen. "Mom does. She adores you, Dad, and she will here too, I promise you. You guys are meant to be, true love…at least that's what Mom always told us. And I believe her. I believe she has the sense to see her true love when he's standing right in front of her. Or maybe…she doesn't have the _sense_ exactly...madness is the better word for what you guys have. Either way, it's destined, and we're the proof of that. You don't want your kids to be wiped from existence, and the Joker line to end with you, do you? Don't you want your comedy crusade to carry on and on, like in that song from _Titanic_?"

"What song was there in the ocean liner disaster?" asked Joker, puzzled.

"Oh my God, this is before _Titanic_ was released," muttered J.J.

"A better time," agreed Arleen. "Ok, forget the song. The point is, Dad, don't you want to leave behind something that matters? Something that can inflict your jokes on the people of Gotham for future generations? Something that can put a smile on their faces whether they want it or not?"

Joker chuckled. "I'll say one thing – you kids have got the old Joker powers of persuasion!" he laughed. "I taught you well! Ok, I'll give the Doc one more shot. Let's go."

"You know, since we're here, and since I had to ask Mom out and all, maybe as a reward we could release Aunt Ivy too…" began J.J., slowly.

"Nope, we don't need distractions," interrupted Arleen, unlocking Joker's cell. "J.J., why don't you sneak Dad out of Arkham while I make the final arrangements here."

"Fine," muttered J.J., sulkily. "C'mon, Dad, let's find a way out."

"Which of the over 5,000 ways do you wanna take?" chuckled Joker.

"Whichever one attracts the least attention," replied J.J.

Arleen watched them go, and then headed back to reception, picking up the telephone and dialing a number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Uncle Jonathan. It's Arleen," she said. "Remember how you said you were at my service? Because I was wondering if you could do a teeny, tiny favor for me."

"Anything, my dear. Name it, and it is done."

"Great," said Arleen, beaming. "I need you to commit a crime. A crime big enough to draw out a certain Batman."


	10. Chapter 10

"How did you even arrange this, J.J.?" asked Harley, as they walked out the front doors of Arkham Asylum later that evening and then went around the back. J.J. punched in an access code to the gate blocking the maintenance stairs leading to the roof. It clicked open and J.J. held the door open as Harley and he climbed the stairs.

"I know a guy who knows a guy," said J.J., vaguely.

"I didn't even know Arkham had a roof garden," commented Harley. "Does Poison Ivy cultivate it?"

"Boy, I wish I was visiting Ivy's garden," muttered J.J. "But no, I think they try to keep her away from plants if possible. I think it's just for staff use."

He pushed open the door to the roof, to reveal a little flat corner of the rooftop, shielded from the weather by the surrounding walls and gargoyles and ivy. The table had been laid out with a table, candlelight, and two chairs.

"J.J., this is beautiful!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at him. "Like a little secret roof grotto! Strange that Dr. Leland left it out of my tour this morning."

"Well, they probably only let the staff access it after you've been there a while – y'know, as a reward for staying on for so long and putting up with all the crap you have to as an employee of Arkham Asylum," said J.J., pulling out a chair for her.

"You mean like being sexually harassed by the likes of the Joker?" asked Harley, coldly.

"Aw, c'mon, I didn't think he was too bad," said J.J. "Kinda romantic, really. If I was a woman, I would certainly consider giving him a chance."

"J.J., he's a murdering psychopath," said Harley. "What kinda future could I ever possibly have with him, even if I did find him attractive, which I don't."

"You sure?" asked J.J., hopefully. "He has kinda a nice smile…"

"I actually have my eye on…someone else..." said Harley, slowly, taking his hand. "But maybe I've been too subtle up to now…"

"No, no, no, you're not subtle," said J.J., quickly. "But, actually, Harley, uh…my affections are engaged elsewhere."

"Oh. Then why did you ask me out on a date?" asked Harley.

"Because…I'm not a nice, committed guy," said J.J., slowly. "And I play the field. So yeah, not the kinda guy you should really be interested in, unlike the Joker. That guy's committed for life."

Harley stared at him. "J.J…I'm really surprised to hear that about you. But there's no reason you can't commit to commitment now. I can help you with a fresh start, with a new, happy, monogamous relationship."

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed J.J. "Jesus, can't you just give up on a lost cause?! Stupid question, I know."

He took a deep breath. "Just…wait there a second, Harley. I'll go get dinner and then we'll talk."

He headed for the door to the roof and left, shutting it behind him. Harley sat on her own for a moment, pouring herself a glass of wine. She sipped from it, looking around, and luckily didn't notice the small glass window above her, hidden by the ivy, which Arleen glanced out from, holding a walkie talkie.

A moment later, the roof door opened and Harley looked up, expecting to see J.J. She was shocked to see a man in a scarecrow costume emerge through it, carrying a box.

"Good evening," he began, and then looked at her, dropping the box. "Oh God in heaven…so that's where she gets her looks!" he gasped.

"I…beg your pardon?" stammered Harley.

"Uncle Jonathan, focus!" snapped Arleen's voice through the walkie talkie at his belt.

"Yes, my dear, of course," said Crane, shaking his head. "Lovely to meet you, Dr. Quinzel – would you mind looking after this for me?" he said, placing the box on the table. "Thank you very much. I'll see you later," he said, heading for the door.

"Wait…what…" began Harley, but he had already left, shutting the roof door after him. Harley glanced down at the box, and then opened it, gasping when she saw that it contained a huge diamond with a sign that read _Harlequin Diamond, value $5,000,000._

"Nice rock," commented a voice from the door. "Suits you, Doc."

Harley looked up to see Joker standing in the doorway. "Who gave that to you?" he asked.

J.J. had been told by Arleen, also via walkie talkie, to bring Joker only after Crane was clear – Joker had to remain ignorant of Crane being there so he wouldn't know the diamond was a setup by his own children until it was too late.

"Mr. Joker…what are you doing here?" demanded Harley.

"J.J. told me you'd be here," replied Joker.

"J.J.?" repeated Harley. "Why would he want to set _us_ up? I thought I was on a date with him!"

"Nah, you and he ain't gonna happen, trust me," chuckled Joker, taking the seat across from her. "He ain't really interested in you."

"How do you know?" demanded Harley.

"Because…because…uh…because…he's…uh…gay," lied Joker. "But I'm not. Despite what the internet says about me and Batman."

"I don't understand," said Harley. "Why would J.J. arrange all of this if he wasn't interested in me?"

"Because he thinks you and me are kinda perfect for each other," said Joker. "And…he cares about your and my happiness."

Harley stared at him. "Oh my God…is he in love with you?"

"With me…what…no!" exclaimed Joker. "No, he's trying to think about what's best for _you!_ "

"By trying to set me up with a psychotic murderer?" demanded Harley.

"Yes, dammit!" shouted Joker. "It's for your own good, trust me!"

"How can you be good for anyone?!" shouted Harley.

"I'm good for _you,_ you dumb blonde!" snapped Joker. "Because we're the same, you and me! We just work together! And I'm sorry if you're too blind to see that, but for me, it's as obvious as the goddamn Batsignal!"

"Speaking of…which," stammered Harley, pointing behind Joker.

"What?" he asked, turning around. And then his face fell. "Aw, crap," he muttered.

"I never thought you and Crane would work together to steal a diamond and then plant it on a psychiatrist," muttered Batman, emerging from the shadows. "It doesn't make any sense, even for you. And since when do you work with Scarecrow anyway?"

"Work with…what are you talking about?" demanded Joker. "I didn't steal anything…"

"Don't even bother denying it, Joker, the evidence is right there," snapped Batman, nodding at the diamond. "And now you're gonna pay for it."

"Sorry, Dad," whispered Arleen, as she and her brother watched from the window as Batman raised a fist and punched Joker hard in the face. "But it is kinda hot seeing Batman in action."

"There's something seriously wrong with you," retorted J.J.

Arleen suddenly cried out in pain. "Ok, geez, I didn't mean it," said J.J., but a moment later, he too cried out as a burst of agony shot through his whole body. He fell to the ground and saw Arleen collapse too. He crawled over to her and tried to embrace her, but found that his hand passed through her.

"J.J…what's happening?" gasped Arleen, as she gazed at his own fading form.

"We're…disappearing," whispered J.J. "Too late…"

Arleen curled up next to him, shutting her eyes and preparing for the end.

Meanwhile, Harley was staring at the sight of Batman beating up the Joker, her eyes fixated on the fight, and how much Joker was outmatched in terms of strength. She watched Batman beat him over and over as Joker futilely tried to punch back, only to be blocked by Batman. Batman gave a colossal punch to Joker's face that knocked him to the ground, and that was when Harley snapped.

"Leave him alone, you big bully!" she shrieked, grabbing the wine bottle and smashing it over Batman's skull.

Batman was taken aback by the unexpected violence, falling backward, and that was when Harley punched him hard in the face, and then kicked him in the chest. While Batman reeled, Harley picked up the chair and beat it repeatedly over Batman's head, until he collapsed onto the ground, unconscious.

Harley dropped the chair, panting, her hair and dress in disarray. She turned to Joker, who had been staring at her in shock. "Are you…ok?" she stammered, holding out her hand to help him up.

"Yeah," he murmured, taking it and climbing slowly to his feet. "Are you?"

"Uh huh," she said, nodding. "He ain't…so tough."

"Nah," agreed Joker. "Not really…not when you're not taking him on alone. Not when you got…somebody with you…together…"

They were gazing at each other, and then the next moment, they were in each other's arms, kissing passionately.

And Arleen and J.J. felt the pain suddenly disappear. They straightened up slowly and peered out the window to see their parents locked in each other's arms.

"All right, way to go, Mom and Dad!" exclaimed J.J., happily.

"Oh, thank God!" gasped Arleen, hugging her brother. "They did it! They really did it!"

"Cutting it close for dramatic tension, as ever," chuckled J.J. "That's just the Joker way!"

"We should leave them to their privacy," said Arleen. "And go see how Uncle Jervis is coming on that time machine."

"Relax, sis, it's not like they're gonna do anything on the first date…" began J.J., but he trailed off as he glanced out the window again. "Damn, I stand corrected. Dad is smooth!"

"It's that Joker charm," said Arleen, sarcastically. "Mom could never resist it."

"Crap, Bats is waking up," said J.J., noticing Batman stirring. "He's gonna spoil the fun, as usual."

Joker noticed Batman stirring too, and suddenly ran toward the edge of the roof. He smiled at Harley, grinned, and then jumped. And Harley didn't hesitate – she grabbed his coat tails and jumped right off after him.

"That's love," murmured Arleen, beaming, as she watched them land in some bushes below, and then took off running together across the grounds. She smiled. "C'mon, J.J., let's go back to Uncle Jervis's. We've had a long day and we deserve a good rest."

"You go on ahead," said J.J. "I'll see you at home."

Arleen shrugged and headed back down the stairs. J.J. waited for her to leave, and then went down to the cell block, reaching Ivy's cell and unlocking it with Harley's keys.

"Rough day, sweetheart?" purred Ivy as he entered.

He embraced her. "You have no idea," he sighed.


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm relieved to see you're still here, my dear," said Jervis Tetch the next morning, as Arleen emerged from the guest room. "I take it that means your plan to get your parents together was a success?"

"Yes, thank God, it was," said Arleen. "And now we can just concentrate on getting home, with your help."

"Ah, I have some rather good news on that front," said Tetch, gesturing into his lab. "I think I've managed to isolate that which we know as time, and should be able to manipulate the coordinates to send you back to a specific time in the future, so you can arrive almost at the same moment you left."

"That's great news!" exclaimed Arleen. "So we can head back right now!"

"Not just yet, my dear," he said, heading over to another gadget lying on a table, which resembled a video camera. "Your father and Jonathan and I have been informed entirely too much about our future. A past in which the future has been influenced by the future arriving in the past is utterly nonsensical, and nonsense should be confined solely to Wonderland, don't you agree?"

"Uh…sure," said Arleen. "So…what are you gonna do?"

"I need to make sure the scenario your parents told you of their first meeting is what they believe actually happened, and ensure the memory of this incident of your time journey is erased completely in all of our minds."

"And…how are you gonna do that?" asked Arleen.

He went over to a hat in the corner and pressed a few buttons on the band. "Just setting the time coordinates for the date you gave me," he said to Arleen. "You should arrive back at approximately the time you left. Just plug it into your phone again and the device will activate."

He then handed her the video camera. "Now this bit is very important. You two must get on the other side of the camera, and point the lens at all of us, and then tell us what should have happened with your parents instead of all this time traveling malarky. You tell us the story of how it happened, and this device will see that that story is the one burned into our brains, so we remember it the way it was supposed to happen, and all memory of your visit is erased. That's the only way to be sure your visit doesn't mess up the future too much."

"Thanks, Uncle Jervis, you're a lifesaver," said Arleen. "I don't know what we'd have done without you."

"Well, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place without me," said Tetch with a smile. "So it's really the least I can do. Where's your brother?"

"Y'know, I don't know," said Arleen. "I didn't hear him come home last night, did you?"

At that moment, the door opened and J.J. strode in. "J.J., where have you been?" demanded Arleen.

"Let's just say I've been doing a little gardening," he chuckled.

"Oh God, you are completely shameless, you know that?" demanded Arleen.

"That's what Ivy said," chuckled J.J. "And she loved it!"

"I was just saying to your sister that we need to make sure nobody remembers your time here," said Tetch. "If you informed Ivy that you were from the future, she needs to come here to have her memory wiped."

"Well, it'd be a crime to wipe away last night from her memory!" chuckled J.J. "I'm sure she won't remember a random, one-night stand in about twenty years time – I didn't tell her I was from the future anyway, so don't worry. You don't usually score if you start talking crazy, although it seemed to work for Dad!" he laughed.

"All right, so that just leaves me, Jonathan, and your father and mother to be memory wiped," sighed Tetch. "Any idea where they are this morning?"

A knock came on the front door. "Jonathan, could you get that?" called Tetch.

Crane opened the front door to reveal the Joker standing there with a woman in a skin-tight, harlequin catsuit. "Dr…Quinzel?" Crane stammered, gazing at her in shock.

"Nope, Doc's out!" giggled Harley. "Say hello to the new and improved Harley Quinn!"

"Harley Quinn, get it?" chuckled Joker. "Like the clown character! We didn't get much sleep last night, if you know what I mean, and one of the post-coital discussions was Harley's new name, and this just worked perfectly!"

"Like we're meant to be," purred Harley. "Like it's fate or something, huh, puddin'?"

"I told you not to call me puddin'," Joker snapped, his face falling. But he resumed his smile quickly. "And just look at her! Ain't she just a picture? Look at that ass – you can appreciate it so much more dressed like this! C'mon, turn around, pumpkin pie!"

"Oh my God…excuse me!" gasped Crane, rushing back into his room.

"Glad to see you two together finally," commented J.J., as he, his sister, and Tetch entered the room.

"Yeah, and it's all thanks to you, kiddos!" laughed Joker. "Couldn't have done it without you two!"

"It was really sweet of you both to help us get together," said Harley. "J.J., I'm really sorry if I made you uncomfortable by flirting with you. I didn't know about your lifestyle."

"My…what?" asked J.J., puzzled.

"Y'know, you being gay," said Harley.

J.J. stared at him. "I'm not…"

"Hey kid, a word," interrupted Joker, beckoning him over to a corner of the room. "I told her you were gay to explain why you weren't interested in her," he muttered. "And for the record, I don't have a problem with that if you are. My son can have feelings for whoever he wants – man or woman, it makes no difference to me. I'll still love you," he said, smiling and clapping him on the shoulder.

"I'm not gay!" snapped J.J. "I spent most of last night having sex with a woman!"

"Well, that makes two of us!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, I think telling her you're gay is less disturbing for her than telling her she came on to her own son who traveled here from the future, don't you?"

"Yes, fine," muttered J.J.

"Out of curiosity, who was this woman you slept with last night?" asked Joker.

"Poison Ivy," replied J.J.

Joker made a face. "Ugh. Think I'd almost prefer it if it had been a man. At least he wouldn't hate all men."

"Could I have everyone in my lab?" asked Tetch. "I just need to show you all something."

"I guess we'd better say our goodbyes," said Arleen, as Joker, Harley, Crane, and J.J. entered the lab.

"Goodbye?" repeated Harley, confused. "Are you going somewhere?"

Arleen nodded. "My brother and I are going back home."

"I thought you said you didn't have a home," said Harley, confused.

"Not here," agreed Arleen. "We come from a long way away, and now we're going back to where we belong."

"Oh," said Harley, surprised. "Well…I hope Mr. J and I will see you in the future."

"I guarantee it," chuckled J.J.

"You've certainly done a lot for us," said Harley, hugging them both. "I don't know how to thank you. You made me realize who I truly was, and where I truly belong. And…who I truly belong with," she added, smiling at Joker.

"Yeah, you kids are all right," agreed Joker, smiling as he hugged them. "I couldn't be prouder of both of you. But I'm sure you know that."

"We do, Dad," agreed J.J. "Dad...dy-o," he finished, glancing at Harley. "Just our nickname for him," he said, nodding at Joker.

"It was an utter pleasure to have met you, my dear," said Crane, hugging Arleen. "And I'm so glad I could be of some small service to you."

"Hey, you were a big help to _us_ , Craney!" chuckled Joker. "Harley's name was partly inspired by that diamond you stole, which we kept, by the way."

"Well, since I stole it, can I have it back?" demanded Crane.

"Nope," retorted Joker. "Gave it to Harley as a birthday present."

"My birthday as Harley Quinn," purred Harley, curling her arms around Joker's neck. "So now I get two birthdays! And you'd better remember both of 'em, Mr. J."

"Or what?" demanded Joker.

"You'll find out," muttered J.J. under his breath. "He ain't seen Mom's temper yet."

"Yeah, you might not always thank us in the future for setting you two up," said Arleen, grinning. "Now let's take a video of this special moment. J.J., over here."

She pressed the record button, pointing the camera at the others. "Now let me tell you all a little story about a couple I know, a couple madly in love…"


	12. Chapter 12

"Did it work?" asked J.J., looking around at what appeared to be Tetch's garage. They had plugged the cell phone into the time machine and there had been a blinding flash of light, same as before.

"I think so," sighed Arleen in relief. "I think we're back."

"The question is, are we back to the future we know?" asked J.J. "Did Uncle Jervis's memory wipe work?"

"Only one way to find out," said Arleen, heading for the door.

They heard voices down the hall, and entered the living room to see everyone exactly as they had left them at Alice's coming out party. And the relief at seeing their parents at the age they should have been, with Harley curled up next to Joker, was almost overwhelming.

"Where have you two been?" demanded Harley, noticing them suddenly. "I know you went to charge your phones, but that's no excuse to hide out in the garage and ignore the world, y'know! I'm telling you, puddin,' that technology is making them antisocial…"

J.J. interrupted her by hugging her tightly, as Arleen threw herself into Joker's arms. "Aw, hey, sweetie," said Joker, hugging her back. "What's this about? Teenagers ain't usually this affectionate – usually they're as moody as Batman..."

"I just missed you, Daddy," whispered Arleen, hugging him tightly.

"Well, you were only gone about twenty minutes!" laughed Joker.

"Seemed a lot longer than that," murmured J.J., hugging his mother.

"Well, if this is just to butter me up so I won't yell at you, it's working," said Harley, hugging J.J. tightly. "You kids just get away with murder because you know just how to play me, just like your Daddy."

"Yeah, thankfully we do," agreed J.J., smiling at his sister.

"Jonathan and his family are going to be a bit later – they're stuck in traffic," said Tetch, entering the room. "They said we should just go on and cut the cake without them."

"Tell 'em to blow up the traffic – it's what we did!" chuckled Joker.

"I don't think that's the kinda example Jonathan wants to set for his children," said Tetch.

Joker shrugged. "I don't think ours have turned out so badly," he said, kissing Arleen's cheek.

"Well, we did set a fantastic example," said Harley, nodding. "Has Alice ever heard the story about how Mr. J and I met?"

"Everybody's heard this story a hundred times, Harley," retorted Tetch.

"I'd actually like to hear it again," said Arleen, sitting down next to her.

"Me too," agreed J.J.

"Really?" asked Harley, surprised. "Ok. Well, it was my first day at Arkham, and I was being shown around the place, a young, innocent psychiatrist fresh outta medical school. And as I entered the cell block, I saw puddin'. Our eyes met across a crowded asylum, and it was love at first sight. I knew from that moment that we were soul mates, destined to be together forever! So what if I was a young, innocent psychiatrist and he was an older, psychotic, mass-murderer? Love is love, kids. And true love conquers all."

"It sure does," said Arleen, smiling at her brother.

"Thank God," said J.J., settling down with his sister to listen to the story of a mad, mad love.

 **The End**


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